My Fair Lover by Nicole Jordan

February 28, 2018
It’s Way Back Machine Time!

http://nicolejordanauthor.com/
You just never know when you’re going to be transported back to the days when heroes were boneheads, and, we in Romanceland seemed to accept these twit-clowns. Thank goodness they seem to be rarer now than they used to be. Or are they? I guess I wouldn’t be able to give out the Steve Morgan Bonehead Award every year if they had vanished from the Romanceland landscape.

Well, my little Petunias, we have a bonehead hero lurking in the pages of Nicole Jordan’s My Fair Lover: Brandon Deverill. Supposedly this story is a twist on the Pygmalion/My Fair Lady story, only it’s the guy who needs to be spruced up in this tale. But first, let me say a couple of things about Pygmalion/My Fair Lady. I’m not really too fond of the George Bernard Shaw’s interpretation of the Greek legend – it’s really quite misogynistic. I am also not all that keen on the My Fair Lady movie with a 100 year old Rex Harrison cast opposite a much, much, younger, skinny Audrey Hepburn. But, hey that just me. By the way, Mr. Harrison was probably not 100 when he starred in My Fair Lady.

While I’m still rambling, it struck me as odd that Brandon needed to be refurbished. He already had associates in society. Just because he went off to fight in the war of 1812, doesn’t mean he was some backward hick who spits tobac-cy into a nearby fern. He already knew how society worked, and he was an Earl. What other requirements would he have needed to find a aristocratic marriage partner? So this part of the plot, the whole reason for the antagonists to be together - didn’t work for me. Just so you know, if you really want to read a romance book where the refurbishing of a man works, I recommend The Proposition by Judith Ivory.

Back to the story, and why Brandon is a Bonehead. Once upon a time, Brandon was an American privateer who somehow hung around Lady Katherine Wilde’s family. They are both very young; she is 17 and he is, I believe, 20 or 21. She has developed a humongous crush on him. But, he is going to America to fight in the war. What’s a girl to do? She decides to seduce him. I betcha’ he won’t go then! A lot you know. In the only scene where Brandon is half-way honorable, he turns down a naked Katherine’s attempt to bed him. What a guy. Then he leaves and she is crushed. She will never forgive him, never speak to him, he’s a cad. She, of course, will not look at another man for the next six years. Surprise, surprise, surprise romance readers – she will only marry for love!

Six years pass. Brandon, a new earl, decides he needs to marry. So, he returns to England and decides he will marry Katherine. Now, here’s the deal. He doesn’t believe in love. What! A romance hero who doesn’t believe in love! Could it be his parents had a miserable marriage? You know what that means? You guessed it! He can never luv anyone because of his parents – blah, blah, blah. So, why does he pick Katherine? He knows she wants love in her marriage. Why doesn’t he leave her alone? He doesn’t want love? Right from the start he plots and schemes and lies to her. He tries to make her jealous (I hatesssssss games). One minute he doesn’t want her love because he can’t return it, then the next moment he is trying to make her fall in love with him – even though he will never love her!!! He was a real twit! I also want to know why it is Brandon who decides whether they use a sponge, (I’m not talking dishes either). Speaking of which, how do those things work in romance books? Were they one size fits all? Just how tight was that silken ribbon around the sponge tied? Would our heroine know about the side-effects of using one of those things? All that bacteria just waiting makes me cringe. My mind always has tons of questions whenever I see this method of birth-control used in the 17th,18th, 19th century romance books. But the main thing about the sponge in this book: Why is Brandon the one who decides whether they use it or not?

Then we have a journey over the sea to find the graves of her parents. There is only one person who can help them in their search. The dread pirate Louvel. Louvel is holding a grudge against Brandon. It seems that somewhere in their past Brandon stole Louvel’s mistress away from him or something like that. So, Louvel hatessssss Brandon – but Louvel will help him because he is charmed my Katherine. In fact, Louvel flirts with Katherine in a kind of sleaze-ball way. Here’s the thing, Louvel has a very lovely, nice, charming, young mistress, Gabrielle. Gabrielle would do anything for him; she loves him and she wants to marry him. Did I mention that Katherine is a matchmaker? Well, she is. She decides to match-make Louvel with his mistress. At this point I thought – “oh, a secondary romance.” Maybe that was the intent, but here’s the thing – spoiler alert. As the story starts to wind down, Louvel actually tries to murder Brandon. He puts him in a cave which is filling with water. Besides being a cold-blooded killer-maniac, Louvel is a creepy guy, abusive, and psychotic. Do you know what Brandon and Katherine do in the end? They give Louvel a strong talking to and leave that lovely, nice, Gabrielle with him. Katherine is a matchmaker after-all. I couldn’t believe that they would leave poor Gabrielle behind with an abusive man.

Bottom-line. This is a predictable book with the tired, often repeated: I-cannot-luv-because-of-my-parents-mother-father routine. The hero was a selfish, manipulating, twit. Louvel should have been locked up. Katherine and Gabrielle should have dumped the guys and opened up a resort together. I cannot recommend this book.

Time/Place: Regency England
Sensuality: Boring Hot